Happy Thank you More Please!

Today I woke up with tears for breakfast. It's so emo-shit of a sentence, but that's what I really ate today, first thing in the morning. It wasn't all bad vibes, now that I am semi-sort-of over it. It's more of realizing the pattern of things that happened the past weeks or so. I did became depressed, and it's not for the sole reason I've been blabbing to my friends...Or even to random people I encountered. I realized that things did piled up on me, and I wasn't emotionally ready, and I picked my brightest highlighter--swiped the striking color in one issue I thought would easily be fixed-- because I trusted the people involved. I freaked out when things didn't go my way, and people got tired and left, and they're the ones I usually tell these things to. I can't see the end of all these, but the time-off is now giving me the chance to fix the other issues in my life. Although improvements are now visible, in the back of my head, I wished I resolved these calmly before that I didn't have to scatter myself all over the people I love just because I thought they wouldn't hurt me. I guess in the end I just have to stand on my own feet. As a friend told me, if I can't handle this, paano na yun mas mabibigat pang problema na pagdadaanan ko sa future? I got scared, I tell you.

I don't like it that I get to be too "all-over the place" when I have issues; I tend to over-share even to people I am not really close with. Sometimes, I just tell a chunk of the whole story. To some, I just let my heart pour--one problem after the other. Depends on the closeness with the person? Or even, with how open the person is in listening to my stories. I got some of the soundest advice from people all over. And now that I think about it, I thank God for these Angels who passed by my life one by one to teach me a thing or two--and then moving on again with their own life. Some friends just have their own baggage these days I can't approach them in the fear of doubling their emotional weight--or handing them an extra hand-carry, which is always a hassle. If there's one thing about me, it's that I hate mangabala ng tao.


I have a close friend I talked with one night, and she made me realize that I was undergoing what she called "sakit ng self-employed". I realized that my pattern-less, chaotic weekdays geared me to wanting a stable weekend. She made me realize that being always "alone" in my line of work (which is like, everyday) made me more clingy, needy, and routine-y. It's just sad that I have to be like this, ang taong ayaw mang abala suddenly clings to people for happiness. Another lesson I have to go through, I guess. This same friend also told me that I might appear "different" now for others because before I appear "easy breezy happy" during my Multiply blog days, but she told me I might just be sending off these vibes through my blog before. A psychological thing I've been doing... Sort of like pretending to be ok even if I am scared-shit of suddenly breaking out of my whole act. It suddenly felt so real now, though, so I guess pretending to be happy is a good step towards actually being really genuinely happy?Anyway, I really learned a lot from her, felt like I went through the whole therapy-doctor thing without spending, hehe. I love friends!

So much for being too chatty early in the morning,haha, sorry. I just don't want to waste realizations without documenting them. Two nights ago I watched my downloaded copy of the popular Thai film A Little Thing Called Love...which was shown gazillion times na on local tv. Iba padin sa room panuorin ng mag isa in case may crayola scene akech, and although the highlight of the movie is the eternal love, I found myself crying over the scene when Nam and her friends reunited:

I also watched Happy Thank You More Please last night (also downloaded)...where I've learned about the concept of "walk it off" in sports-- to just go through it even if it was already a bad game. And, to end this looong blabbing, I quote one of the film's characters--Annie: "That with gratitude, the world is eternally abundant. So I've been giving gratitude a shot. Thank you, more please."


Sadness, begone! 
Bliss is your birth right.